this is nothing less than dying.
from the inside out.
im not being dramatic.im not twisting things out of proportion.the last thing i want to do right now is lie to myself....

far past consolation.i tried so hard not to be here...to be in this place....fate is not with my wishes....like a music box that has lost its feeling of enchantment.no longer of any use.
evidence of something that used to be so alive..so full of passion....just gone.through an open window with the wind.

this isn't living.not really.this isn't desired...at all...realizing every single day..closer to expiration...knowing there is no way out.no potential.no serenity....knowing im going nowhere...it doesn't feel right...breaking down.all i want to do is slip away.

this is torment.
this is pain.
this is falling.failing..failing...to find a way out.

exhausted. thoughts that bring it all back again in waves.tears that sting my eyesforgetting that i cannot simply be thrown into silence & ignorance & be expected not to feel it.expected to dream my life away without memories. without questions.without answers....it makes me want to scream.but nothing ever comes out. i can't do that.it isn't fair...

all around me.people passing by.losing what little hope they ever had that i would amount to anything. being myself....not ideal they say.why not be like everyone else?.be someone else?.it's easier they say....no.no.i don't think so....that is an impossible task.

i don't fucking want this to consume me as much as it is.i want out.i want anything else but this..why won't it go away?. is it really meant to overpower me like this?.to destroy me?. nothing i've done in attempt to escape has granted me that courtesy.nothing. i want to know why. am i supposed to wait or something?. time will not allow me to forget. my memory & sense are always intact....i really wish..for my sanity's sake that they weren't...that would be a blessing.

broken.

it makes me feel so selfish.& i detest it. i want to be free. to not feel this way.

what a mess of a human being.no wonder it's better to sit in silence than to draw attention to myself.i wouldn't want to see something like this either...which is why its so degrading..that im witnessing it in myself....

breaking away from oneself is much harder than you might think...i don't want to drift.i don't want to become someone else...if this continues, im going to have to force it.masking my every move.& thought.manipulating myself.for the sake of everyone im around.they don't deserve it.the most i can do is assume it goes unnoticed...but i know that's not true....i wish it was.

invisibility would be nice.i mean..it seems to work sometimes.....sometimes....

everything i love most...is becoming impossible to keep in sight.

i cannot be told not to feel.
i cannot go about disappointing people.
that would kill me faster.

honesty.is all i ask for.

ripping my heart out of my chest would be so satisfying at the moment...in theory anyway..it's my mind that seems to be infected.

it's not going away.it won;t.

"a melody.a memory.or just one picture..."

comatose.